#2 turns 1

A few pertinent observations on Billy's first year of life

Billy (Bilahari) turns 1 today, and so does this version of my blog (almost!).

The difference between a first-born child and a later one is that the first born comes without any priors. Everything she does is fascinating and magical to you, and you go along with her as she does her stuff. You get excited when she makes eye contact with you, or holds on to something for the first time, or gets off her bouncer, or crawls, or walks or talks. It is a fantastic experiment in looking at how humans learn and grow.

The second born, for better or worse, comes with a benchmark - his sister. He holds on to something for the first time, and you start trying to wonder what his sister was doing at the same age. You start wondering why he hasn’t rolled over yet, when his sister had achieved the benchmark a week earlier in her life. You start instinctively subtracting 2 months and 8 days from any given date (the difference in their birthdays) so you know what exactly his sister was doing at that age.

The sister has learnt though her life that “it is wrong to compare”, and that comparison can bring nothing but misery in life. But alas, her parents haven’t internalized that. Or maybe they have, but it is hard not to compare when there exists one very clear benchmark for every single activity.

For both children, my wife writes (private) monthly blogposts on their “month birthdays” (the frequency goes down after the first year; here is a sample that I had written). And this year, this helped us compare even better - we had thought Billy was especially naughty when it turned out that “in the eighth month” Berry had done similar things.

In any case, I should stop comparing now and spend the rest of this blog post talking about Billy, whose birthday it is today.

• Compared to his sister (irrespective of what the blogposts say), his energy levels are something else. He constantly has to keep doing something, and from our perspective, a lot of this “something” is destructive stuff. Soon we might empathize a bit more with parents of naughty kids who we used to think didn’t discipline their children enough

• In our infinite wisdom, in 2020, we completely disregarded the possibility that we might have another child, and with our daughter old enough then, got sockets installed at the floor level. Despite putting in dummy plugs liberally, we have to spend a lot of time making sure he doesn’t harm himself - he likes to pull plugs (not the dummy ones!) out of their sockets, for example

• Billy knows it when he’s being naughty, and gives us a wry smile when we catch him (and continues to do the naughty stuff). Sometimes I really give up in terms of how to deal with such situations.

• In Chapter 11 of 12 Rules For Life (my blogpost about it here), Jordan Peterson talks about the need for boys to take risk. It’s been a while since I read the book, so I asked ChatGPT, which said:
  
  Chapter 11 of 12 Rules for Life by Jordan Peterson, titled “Do Not Bother Children When They Are Skateboarding”, emphasizes the importance of allowing boys (and children in general) to take risks. Peterson argues:

  Risk-taking is essential for growth, confidence, and competence.

  Boys, in particular, often engage in risky behaviors to test their limits, develop strength, and establish their identity
  
  This bit about boys, in particular, engaging in risky behaviors, is absolutely true. And I must say, based on this one data point, that it starts rather early. When Berry got off her bouncer for the first time it was a carefully choreographed movement where she held on to the side with a hand, rolled over and then slipped down.
  
  One early morning two months ago, Billy decided it was legit to just walk out of our bed (he saw me going into the bathroom and decided to follow me in pitch darkness). He hurt himself badly, and the problem was that since he couldn’t talk, it took us half a day to figure out where he was hurt (his right collarbone)! Our normally conservative orthopedic even did an X-ray on him, and then decided to do nothing

• He goes to school and absolutely enjoys it, since he’s the centre of everyone’s attention there. So earlier this year our daughter’s school announced that they were starting a “Montessori program for 3-12 month old babies”. I immediately offered up our specimen. It took a few months for the program to start, but for the first 3-4 months of it, Billy was the only kid in there (another boy joined him there this month).
  
  It was during a school community outing that we figured out how popular he is among the slightly older kids (1-3 years, and 3-6 years age group programs in his building), and even the adults there. Need to see how he reacts when he gets “promoted” (this will happen after he is able to walk comfortably) and younger babies join.

• Like his sister, he also goes to bed listening to heavy metal, but unlike her he doesn’t like Pink Floyd. Even other songs with sharp changes in tune such as Cemetery Gates or Hallowed Be Thy Name he doesn’t like. I must admit his sleep playlist is a bit heavier than I’d like right now

• He has a variety of names for me, but the one he most commonly he uses is “Kara” (short for Karthik). He says it especially cutely (he doesn’t roll the r). In addition, he sometimes calls me Appa, and sometimes Amma (!!; his mother is mumma for him). Otherwise, he can’t talk much yet.

• My wife keeps saying that “unlike you, he has a lot of grit”. It is not easy to distract him, and when wants something he makes sure he gets it. Will wait and see how much I consider him to be a “mini me” another year from now.

• Oh, and he loves to be carried. He comes and kneels in front of me, puts up his hands and starts jumping up and down, sort of like a dog. If I ignore him, he bawls. Once I carry him, if I either set him down or sit down, he bawls.

• While we named him primarily for the Raga and the character in Ganeshana Maduve, we understand that Bilahari is also a name of Narasimha (“vishnu of the cave”, approximately). And true to his name, he likes to tear into stuff.

• He loves going out. Wherever he is in the house, when he hears the main door open, he has to rush to it (and rush out, if allowed!). When he sees someone going out, he wants to go along. On our holiday to Singapore, he was especially happy to be taken on walks in his buggy (and kept screaming in excitement). In Bangalore, most of his walks are in the baby carrier, which he is less excited about.

I can keep going on, but I need to stop somewhere, and so I stop here.

The thing with first birthdays is that the child typically has absolutely no clue what is happening. He has no clue what a birthday is (though he knows cake can be yummy!). He doesn’t understand anything when you sing “happy birthday”. Too many people being around can easily overwhelm.

So I find it surprising that first birthday parties are a huge thing (and people assume you’re doing one even if you aren’t!).